(Woman) 'You see, Dr Crane, there's this man l'd like to go out with,
'but he's 40 and he's never been married.
'Does that mean something? '
lt could mean he has a fear of commitment
or it could mean he's just been lucky.
Marie, that was a joke.
(Marie ) 'Did l mention l'm calling from a payphone? '
All right, Marie, l would say,
give him a shot, but l'd keep that caution bulb lit.
Thank you for your call. Who's next?
lf someone's never been married, it might mean they're a careful shopper.
A divorc� will bite into any piece of fruit without squeezing it first.
That was an unbiased opinion from my unmarried producer, Roz,
who, incidentally, has squeezed more fruit than Tropicana.
May we take another call?
lt's time for a station break.
Then we'll be right back after this.
- Didn't we just take a break? - l'm parked at a meter. l'll be back.
Do l have headphone hair? l may have to flirt my way out of a ticket.
- Are you all right? - l got winded but l'm OK.
- Ow! My ankle! - Here, Roz, does this hurt?
- No nerve damage. - She should have an x-ray.
- Frasier, the show! - l'll get someone to fill in.
No, now! You've got dead air! Ow!
- Take the shoe off. - Oh!
- Oh, dear! - What is it?
lt's been a while since our last pedicure.
(Door knocks)
- Who is it? - Frasier.
How were things at the emergency room?
Frustrating. You know how it is. You're sitting there in agony
and every crybaby with a gunshot waltzes in ahead of you.
- How was it after l left? - Weird Bruce took over for you.
That's quite a boot collection. Why not put notches in your bedpost?
Those are mine. You hate the way l've decorated, don't you?
No, no. As a matter of fact, l admire your courage.
- ls that for me? - Yes.
Freud said all we need to be happy is work and love.
Oh, thanks, Frasier!
So you brought me work.
Answering the fan mail is something to do.
Remember, this time, death threats don't get photos.
(Door knocks)
- Who is it? - lt's Bulldog!
- Pretend we're not here. - Roz, you just said, ''Who is it?''
- Hey, Doc. - Hey, Dog.
Hey, Roz. Wow! The whole place is a bedroom!
- What are you doing here? - l brought some deli.
Nothing says ''l'm sorry'' like fatty meat.
You got pastrami, coleslaw... OK, where's the French fries?
l ordered fries! This stinks! This is total BS!
That apron boy is... Oh! Here they are.
To think he does it all without steroids.
- Shall l stick these in the oven? - l'm not hungry.
- Then you're not thirsty. - Glasses are on the top shelf.
- None for me. l'm off to the opera. - You can't leave!
- No ice cubes! - Chip what you can off the freezer.
- lf you leave, he'll hit on me. - With a sprained ankle?
lt's like in the jungle, they go after the sick and the lame.
l'm meeting people at the opera. l've got the tickets.
Here we go. l'll get you more ice when the feeling in my forehead comes back.
Curtain going up. Roz, if you need anything, call me absolutely any time.
Except the next three hours. l'm at the opera.
No, four hours. lt's Wagner.
Then l've got a late supper, bed, an early squash game.
Call me absolutely any time after 4:00 tomorrow afternoon.
Hey, this is nice, you and me having a drink together.
Yeah, it's been fun. Bye.
- Why did you paint only two toenails? - lt hurts when l reach.
- You want me to finish them? - No, please. lt's OK.
- Nice colour. Goes with the bruise. - Bulldog, stop it!
- You've got nice feet. - You don't think they're too big?
l could get this whole thing in my mouth, easy.
lt's really nice to do all this for me.
Kind of surreal, but nice.
l figure if l'm nice to you, maybe you'll be nice to me.
l knew it! You come over here acting all sympathetic,
but you're the same horny, low-class slime ball as ever!
Hey, before you say something that offends me...
Look, all l wanted to ask you
is if you'd be interested in producing my show.
- What? - l'm not crazy about my producer.
Let's face it, you're the best.
- You think so? - That goes without saying.
Frasier goes without saying it.
Don't answer now. Take your time and think about it.
But l warn you - when l set my mind on something, l get it.
l once wanted to interview George Foreman. He said ''no'', but l got him.
l had to paint his toenails four times, but l got him.
Your bandage has been too tight. Keep the blood flowing to the ligaments.
That feels great. Whatever Frasier is paying you, it's not enough.
Actually, l'd need a raise to get me to ''not enough''.
- Hey, Roz. - Hey. What's going on?
- Niles bought me some new shoes. - Oh, yes, look: they have tassels.
Aren't they exquisite? They were individually handmade
by an artisan near Florence.
He is a hero there. lt's an event when he completes a pair of shoes.
They ring the cathedral bell and the town celebrates.
There's a town that needs a bowling alley.
- Evening, all. - Hey, Frasier.
Roz, did you hear the show? l was in top form.
l brilliantly cut a narcissist down to size.
Thank you, Niles.
Oh, Dad, new shoes? Do l hear cathedral bells?
Ring-a-ding-ding.
Roz, l apologise for leaving you last night.
l hope you didn't have to fend off Bulldog.
He's not so bad. Actually, we had a good time.
- Oh? - What, ''oh''?
l noticed he came into work
wearing the same clothes he had on yesterday.
Oh?
- What's going on? - Roz slept with Bulldog last night.
l did not! How could you think that?
Dropping by, bringing you gifts - he was after something.
That's not fair. Dr Crane brings me gifts and he's not after anything.
l did not sleep with Bulldog. He didn't even hit on me.
But he wanted something. He wanted me to leave you and be his producer.
l wonder why he said that.
- Because he really wants me. - Yes, that goes without saying.
- For his show. - Bulldog knows he has to be subtle.
But his ultimate goal remains to...
- To what? - To play Aeneas to your Dido.
l'm sorry you had to hear that, Daphne.
As usual, l haven't the foggiest idea what you're talking about.
This is so insulting.
You think he wants me to work for him just to get me into his bed.
lt doesn't occur to you he thinks l'm a good producer.
- Aren't you being naive? - l'll tell you what naive is.
lt's someone who thinks he can talk to me like that
without getting a crutch up his butt!
- l'm an expert in human behaviour! - Oh, really?
Excuse me. l've heard your expert advice!
The only mental disorder you've ever cured is insomnia!
So you had time to listen,
what with your demanding tasks: answering phones and pushing buttons.
A cockatoo with a strong beak could do what you do!
Then hire one. l'm taking the job with Bulldog.
That's it. l am out of here.
Take a picture, because l'm out of your life!
You have seen the last of me!
Sayonara!
Oh, damn! My purse.
Bruce, l see we are loaded with callers. What line is next?
- What's your favourite number? - Three.
(Dialling tone )
Damn.
What's your other favourite number?
Just let me handle this.
Hello. You're on the line with Frasier Crane. l'm listening.
'Hi, Dr Crane. My name is Francesca.
'l'm calling about my boyfriend. He says he loves me,
'but l'm afraid l'll get home one day and he won't be there.
'lt probably stems from my childhood when my father left us.'
Francesca, you are suffering from a fear of abandonment,
but l'm here for you.
(Francesca) 'Thank you. l'm always so afraid
'the people l count on will' just disappear and l'll...'
(Phone line goes dead)
Sorry.
Francesca, we had a little technical glitch.
We're almost out of time.
Call in tomorrow and l'll make sure you're first.
We're just about wrapped up here. l'll see you tomorrow, Seattle.
Good show, Dr Crane.
- You think so, Bruce? - Yeah.
When my show starts with a screech that could shatter crystal,
then plays me eating chips,
then disconnects a woman who fears abandonment,
it's not a show to mail to the Smithsonian.
Don't worry, man. You'll do better tomorrow.
- lt's going to be a great show, Roz. - You've got a minute to show time.
- Hello, Roz. - Hello, Frasier.
Hope you haven't been avoiding me because l stole your chick.
- We're getting along great. - l heard Bruce.
Did the cockatoo want too much money?
- Bye, Roz. - So long, Frasier.
A moment, Frasier, please. l'm sure word has reached your ear
about my frutti di mare party
to celebrate our city's bounty from the sea.
- Yes. l'd love to come. - There's the rub. l've invited Roz.
With the rift between you, the tension will be thicker than my cioppino.
That rift will soon be over.
Bulldog will prove he just wants to get his hands on Roz.
That moment may have arrived. She's bending over.
Turn around, Bulldog!
lsn't that what golfers refer to as ''teeing it up''?
All right. He moves in. And he...
...helps pick up the papers!
l'm so sorry, Frasier. l, too, entertained hopes for low comedy.
Attention, sports fans! You're back in the doghouse with Bulldog Briscoe!
- Woof woof! - Meow!
Football: Broncos over the Raiders! Easy money, eh, Roz?
Yeah, right, and men just want to cuddle. LA humiliated Denver!
Do l tell you how to clean? Denver's due. lt's a no-brainer.
Then it's right up your alley.
l'm no sports fan, but they really are quite delicious together.
Enjoy it now. Bulldog can't control his libido forever.
- Then Roz will crawl back to you. - Yes.
Meanwhile, l need a half-competent producer. How hard is that?
# They call me Mr Pitiful
# Baby, that's my name
# They call me Mr Pitiful
# That's how l got my fame
# But nobody seems to understand now
# What makes a man feel so blue
# They call me Mr Pitiful
# Cause l lost someone just like you
# They call me Mr Pitiful
# This everybody knows now
# They call me Mr Pitiful
# Most everyplace l go now
# But nobody seems to understand now... #
This morning, Maris and l woke to the sound of our gardener
hacking through our topiary.
Why do you want hedges shaped like animals?
We're both animal lovers, but Maris is unable to have pets. She...
She distrusts anything that loves her unconditionally.
There was Yoshi, drunk as a lord, recklessly swinging his hedge trimmer.
Before we could calm him, he had transformed
Maris' prized stallion into an obscene goatboy.
- The poor woman is inconsolable. - Thank you, Niles.
You've been a great help.
There are worse things than a ruined career.
l could have my hedges cut into unattractive shapes.
lt's always about you, isn't it?
l'm just the slightest bit panicky l'll never get Roz back.
l've been waiting for weeks for Bulldog to make his move
and he hasn't.
- l thought we might run into you two. - We've been buying shoes.
Not that l don't appreciate the ones you bought me,
but l'll save those for special occasions when only tassels will do.
Hey, get a load of these. They light up when l walk away.
Doesn't everyone?
l see Mr Congeniality is still spreading sunshine.
- Things didn't go well in his show. - Really? These things go in cycles.
Take Bulldog's show. He's just had one great show after another lately.
What could be your point? l can't read between the lines.
lf you weren't so stubborn, you'd apologise to Roz and get her back.
You're ignoring a key psychological component.
- You'd have to admit you were wrong. - Exactly!
l don't see what's so hard about that.
lt's not the same as Dad or you being wrong. l have a degree from Harvard.
Whenever l'm wrong, the world makes less sense.
Why do you want her back? She's pushy and opinionated.
Aren't you being sexist? That would be labelled ''assertiveness'' in a man.
Gone are the days when women were shunted aside to say nothing.
- l quite agree. - Daphne, please, l can handle this.
You've handled it well so far.
lt's time you got off your high horse and begged her forgiveness.
And get your knees dusty.
l'm sorry, l'm not quite ready to swallow my pride.
Next time, wake me when the show's over.
End of Wednesday's show we do the ''Boner of the Week''.
- No. - This is why l hate you.
You want to change my tried and true format! Why not?
l got you an interview with Wayne Gretzky.
See... Wayne Gretzky?
This is awesome! This is total brilliance!
This is...a pinched nerve.
Football injury. l got my head rammed into a locker during an interview.
- Let me help you with that. - This is great. l can't believe it.
Wayne Gretzky! The great one!
Roz, you are the great one. You are some kind of producer.
Thanks. l'm having a great time.
l owe you, Bulldog. l owe you big.
lt's amazing, but you and l have great chemistry together.
Uh-huh. l like chemistry. l flunked it, but l like it.
You got any of that Wild Turkey left?
Yeah. Sure.
When we started working together,
l never thought it would turn out like this. Did you?
All along!
Hey, Roz!
You'd better make mine a double!
l'm a double kind of guy!
No, there's a lot l want to do tonight and l want you to keep up.
Yeah, well, uh...
All l ask is you give me a couple of 20-minute breaks.
What's that?
l thought a little music might be nice.
- Can you concentrate with that on? - Oh, yeah.
Actually, l find the distraction helps me.
Nah. Second date. Don't be pushy.
This is great, Roz! Us working like this!
Did you and the doc ever end up working...
- What? - You and the doc ever work like this?
We tried, but he complained l talked too much.
Oh, yeah? l would have figured you for a screamer.
What the hell are you doing in my bed? Get out!
l asked you over here to work, you disgusting pervert!
Slow down! l'm getting some mixed signals here.
- What are you doing? - ls this clear enough?
- Are you crazy? My wallet's in there! - Get out, now!
Get out of my way, Doc!
Oh.
l'm listening.
# Baby, l hear the blues are calling tossed salads and scrambled eggs
# Quite stylish!
# And maybe l seem a bit confused Yeah, maybe...but l got you pegged!
# But l don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
# They're calling again
# Scrambled egg's all over my face!
# What is a boy to do? #
Thank you!